Complaint Department
by CrystalHeaven
Summary: I also think, if you have a problem with my contract, or the fact that you never received the memo, you had better take it up with the Complaint Department.


Originally written for the Search and Seizure challenge over on the Live Journal SGAFlashfic community. Just now realized I hadn't posted this here. facepalms Oops.

Pairings: None

Warnings: None

Spoilers: Takes place in Season two, 'The Storm' & 'The Eye'.

Notes: As always, beta-ed by the wonderful and amazing FrostFire17,who wasn't happy with just regular idiots. No, she wanted them _special._ Since she helped make this thing what it was, rather than just a collection of words on the screen, what could I do but say yes? Any mistakes are my own, as I was ignoring her advice.

* * *

"No." Succinct, to the point, and as frigid as Antartica in the middle of a winter blizzard. It brought the three men who were currently rooting around the room, and his equipment, to a halt, and made their leader's head snap up, eyes narrowed in annoyance.

"No? What do you mean, No?" The glare shot at him from ice blue eyes would have sent a charging Wraith running for it's Dart, screaming for it's mother. As it was, it made the leader back up a step. A tiny one, barely noticeable, but a step none the less.

_So much for Genii bravery_ he though, before tearing into the man. "You don't know what the word _no_ means? Are you really that stupid? Oh, never mind. I forgot who I was speaking to for a moment." The three goons that were still digging though his stuff stopped again and growled at him for a moment, but were summarily ignored as the idiots they were. "No. It's an Adverb. 'Used to express refusal, denial, disbelief, emphasis, or disagree-'"

"I know what the hell 'No', means! What I meant was, what did you mean when you said 'No,' just a minute ago?"

"What I meant was, that I am no longer going to be your hostage. It's in my contract. Page 321, Section B, Paragraph 2, Line 56. 'You will hence forth no longer be required to be taken, or held hostage, for any length of time, what so ever.' I mean, God, I knew you people were stupid, but please, tell me you can at least read!" The three goons had given up all pretence of searching through his belongings at this point, and were all out glaring at him.

"I can read!" Hearing the snort of disbelief, the leader reached into his coat and pulled out what looked like a handmade book. As he spoke, anger gave way to slowly dawning confusion. "See, I can so read! So there! And besides, what is this Contract that you speak of? I have never heard of, or seen such an item."

"Just because you own a book, doesn't mean you can read. And what do you mean you didn't know about the contract? There was a memo sent out by stargate last week. How in hell did you miss the memo? Oh, that's right, you can't read." Sarcasm and disdain dripped from every word.

The whatever emotion that had been on the leaders face was gone, replaced once again by annoyance and barely concealed anger "_I can so read._ I can! And I received no such memo as the one you describe. I can not be held accountable for something I knew nothing about." The leader paused for a moment, taking several deep breaths, visibly trying to calm himself. After a moment, and one final body wracking breath that shook him from head to toe, the leader looked over at him and smiled.

"You know what I think. I think there was no Memo. I think there was no Contract. I think you are only trying to annoy me, or stall for time so your friends can come rescue you. I also think that this tactic, is not going to work. That is what I think."

"You wanna make a bet buddy? Know what I think? I think you're an idiotic, moronic, jackass, who's got his head so far up his ass, it's amazing he can walk and talk at the same time. I think you're a coward, having to sneak up on someone while their team is looking the other way. I think you're inept, the whole trying to take over Atlantis proved that cause yeah, we so kicked your ass. I also think, if you have a problem with my contract, or the fact that you never received the memo, you had better take it up with the Complaint Department."

By this point, the leader's face was a deep purple color of outrage, and his eyes were the size of tennis balls, just about ready to pop out of his head. Taking several more deep breaths, he stormed across the small room until he was nearly face to face with his hostage. Locking eyes with the man, the two engaged in a staring contest that ended with the leader breaking first and stomping back across the room. Another deep, body shaking breath, and the leader was back in control of his emotions. Turning, he once again addressed his hostage, this time trying for amusement and disdain, rather than anger and force.

"Complaint Department? What is this Complaint Department you speak of? Another imaginary item, like your Contract, and you Memo?"

Ice blue eyes flicked toward the doorway to the room for a moment, before softening into a smile. Whatever he was going to say was cut off by Goon One's stuttered "Ugh.. Boss?"

"Not now! I wish to hear what this 'Complaint Department' is. I trust it will be as_entertaining _an explanation as the last few you gave?" The ice blue eyes just danced.

It was Goon Two's turn to try and intervene. "No, boss, you really need to-"

"I said, not now!"

Goon Three gave it a shot. "But boss..."

"You know, you should really learn to listen to your men. You might just learn something." A moment of puzzlement on the leader's face, that morphed slowly into wild-eyed horror at the sound emanating from behind him, which was suspiciously similar to automatic weapons being cocked. A lot of automatic weapons being cocked. Turning slowly in place, the leader's mouth dropped open, and his hands rose slowly in the air, at the sight of six, fully armed Atlantian Marines standing in the doorway, flanking three people he recognized as Teyla Emmagen, Specialist Ronon Dex, and Colonel John Sheppard, United States Air Force. All were armed. And all were aiming for right between his eyes.

From behind him, his prisoner walked forward until they was standing side by side. Leaning just a little bit, Doctor Rodney McKay whispered in his ear. "Jor'and, I would like for you to meet the Complaint Department. I'm sure they'll be willing to handle any problems you may have."


End file.
